Marty Pants #1 Read online

  By cheating. I take a beanbag moment.

  When I wake up Saturday morning, I’m surprised to find myself still in my beanbag. I’m even more surprised to see it’s snowing.

  Wait, that’s not snow!

  Jerome shredded every last ballot!

  Now, you’d think I’d be mad, but I’m not. I never would have forgiven myself if I had to cheat to win that mural contest. Cheating would make me like Simon, and I never want to stoop to his level.

  I’ll save the world the old-fashioned way. By using my superior talent.

  Or I won’t save the world at all.

  CHAPTER 32

  what’s in store

  I’m going to the supermarket with my dad. Why? Painting a mural will take a lot of energy, and you know where energy comes from.

  My mom is on a business trip, so the rules are different. My dad’s a pushover. He goes straight to the healthy stuff, and I cut left toward the deliciousness.

  Before I get far, I recognize someone in the pasta aisle.

  He must be up to no good!

  I slip into the next aisle before he can spot me. I grab a big box off the shelf and hold it in front of my face. It will be my camouflage as I follow him around the store.

  I track him as he goes up and down the aisles putting things into his cart.

  Suspicious things.

  I see what he’s up to. That’s all fuel for his spaceship! Except the batteries. He probably eats those.

  McPhee glances my way, so I lift the box to hide my face. I don’t think he saw me, but that was too close for comfort.

  I slowly back out of the aisle and bump into someone.

  My heart jumps! Now’s my chance to talk to Analie. All I need is something to say. Maybe I could say, “Oops, sorry.” Yeah, that would work.

  “Time to check out,” my dad says. “You ready?”

  I turn back to Analie, but she’s already gone. That girl’s like lightning.

  “I’m ready,” I say.

  “Marty,” my dad asks, “what’s that you got there?”

  “Oh, this?”

  I should have paid closer attention to what I was using for camouflage.

  “Um, I need these,” I say. “For an art project,” I add, thinking fast.

  CHAPTER 33

  don’t try this at home

  “Dad, can we take the long way home?”

  “Why?”

  “I just like driving around with you.”

  The real reason is McPhee’s car is right in front of us as we pull out of the parking lot. I want to tail him to his evil lair and catch him fueling his spaceship!

  “Turn right here,” I tell my dad. “Left here.”

  The radio is playing classic hits. My dad starts talking about music. Must . . . fight . . . urge . . . to . . . sleep . . .

  I concentrate on McPhee’s license plate.

  Hmmm . . . that’s not a word, but it’s also not random. It must mean something.

  It fits.

  “OK, that’s enough,” my dad says. “Time to head home. The ice cream is melting.”

  It’s hard to argue with logic like that. I need a good counterpoint.

  “But I don’t like ice cream!” Drat. I’m giving myself away.

  “What’s all this about, Marty?”

  “Just a little farther, Dad!”

  “I’m turning back, Marty. We can drive around another time.”

  “But I don’t want to drive around with you another time!”

  My dad starts to turn left as McPhee turns right.

  The world is depending on me. I make a strategic move.

  “Watch out, Dad! There’s a spider!” I grab the steering wheel and tug it to the right. We turn just like I planned. The part I didn’t plan on was crashing into McPhee’s car as he turned into his driveway.

  CHAPTER 34

  crash test dummy

  It takes a lot to make my dad mad. This counts as a lot.

  “MARTY! What did you DO?!” He looks at me with bulging, angry eyes. I feel bad. It wasn’t supposed to go down like this.

  McPhee gets out of his car. My dad looks at him, then back at me. His eyes slowly change from mad to sad. I feel a hundred times worse.

  My dad gets out and joins McPhee in examining the damage. They talk and McPhee peers through the windshield. I start to sink down, but I know it’s too late.

  I scan the area, but see no signs of a spaceship. He must keep it someplace else. Smart.

  My dad gets back in the car and tells me there was only a scratch and McPhee said not to worry about it. The rest of the ride home is quiet.

  I help bring in the groceries without being asked, and I even put things away, which I never do. I’m not used to this amount of quietness from my dad.

  I can tell Erricah senses the tension because she starts talking in a whisper.

  We have a quiet dinner but my dad doesn’t eat much. For dessert, Erricaa and I have the ice cream.

  Erickahh goes out to meet a friend, and now it’s just my dad and me. I head to my room. My dad soon follows and sits next to me on the bed.

  “Marty, I didn’t tell Mr. McPhee you grabbed the wheel. I took the rap. If he knew you did that on purpose, you could get kicked out of school. This is serious.”

  Of course it’s serious. He’s an evil alien!

  “Your mother is on a business trip, and every time she goes away, she’s afraid things are going to fall apart. Remember when Erica broke her arm? Your mother was on a business trip. You’re not helping things.”

  He pauses. “I need to know what’s going on with you, Marty.”

  I’m not supposed to say anything, so I just look at the floor. Well, I would if the floor was visible.

  “I don’t care how much you dislike your teacher or how unfair you think he is, there’s no excuse for what you did. That was dangerous! What were you thinking?!”

  I keep looking down. “Do you want a story about a spider crossing the street?”

  “I don’t want a story, Marty. I want the truth.”

  “I was just trying to follow him! I didn’t mean to crash into his car! Honest!”

  “Why was it so important to follow him?”

  “Because he’s an . . . an . . . an interesting guy.”

  Ouch, it hurt to say that.

  My dad seems more worried than mad. But he’s definitely both.

  Later, I overhear him talking to my mom on the phone. I hear them use words like different, distracted, delusional. It’s cute that they’re talking in alliteration.

  They seem worried about me, but they’ve got it all wrong. I’m about to save the planet from the most horrible space creature imaginable. They’ll see.

  CHAPTER 35

  twisted sister

  I’m grounded.

  I do extra chores, eat all my dinner, rinse my plate, load the dishwasher, change the litter box . . . I do everything!* I even make a card.

  None of it helps. I’m trapped with no computer, no TV, no freedom. Saving the planet is on hold.

  I look up and there’s Parker. She climbed the tree outside my window. She’s a risk taker.

  “I heard you’re grounded,” she says when I let her in.

  “News travels fast.”

  “What did you do this time?”

  “Crashed into McPhee’s car.”

  “WHAT?”

  I explain how it went down.

  “I messed up,” I say. “I was trying to catch him fueling his spaceship, and it didn’t go well.”

  “No one got hurt?”

  “Right, but I heard my parents talking about bringing me to a head doctor, but my head is fine.”

  “Marty, promise me you won’t do that again.”

  “I promise. But listen to this . . .”

  I tell Parker about all the proof—McPhee’s license plate, his disguise, the secret codes in his vocabulary words, the batteries he buys for snacks, everything.

  I’m ready for Parker t
o become a psychologist again, but instead she says, “Let’s go to the common!”

  “But I’m grounded,” I remind her.

  “Chicken?”

  I sneak down the tree with Parker because I’m not chicken.

  I think this makes it official.

  While my dad naps in the living room, Parker and I run to the common.

  Instead of just hanging out on the swings, we go on the monkey bars, the seesaw, the slide . . . everything. It’s goofy but we have a blast! It’s the most fun I’ve had in a while. I even ride the springy spaceship.

  “I bet McPhee’s spaceship looks like this, only bigger,” I say.

  “You know the psychologist I interviewed for the school project?” Parker asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “I described you to her, and she said you sounded very interesting.”

  “I am.”

  “I agree. I like you. You find adventure.”

  “It finds me.”

  I guess it’s been a while since I rode this thing. I feel like I’m going to hurl, so I stagger over to the trash can.

  I notice someone peeking at me from behind a tree.

  Then I blow chunks.

  Oh no! Analie might think I threw up because I looked at her!

  “You okay, Marty?” asks Parker.

  “What do you think of Analie?”

  “Who?”

  “The new girl in class. You know, the quiet one who sits in back. She’s over there by the tree.”

  “She was a second ago,” I explain.

  Parker puts her hand on my shoulder. “Sometimes there are real people in your life who might walk away, but what they really want is for you to follow.”

  Then she turns and walks away.

  Parker’s just sent me a clear signal. I head in the direction of the tree.

  Analie must be around here somewhere. I cross the street, turn the corner, and suddenly find myself face to face with a girl, but it’s not Analie.

  And she’s not alone!

  Ericccca is not happy to see me. “What are you doing here, Marty? You’re supposed to be GROUNDED!”

  “What are YOU doing here with HIM?!” I shoot back. “You promised Mom and Dad . . .”

  “Marty, do NOT tell Mom and Dad!”

  I pull her aside. “What do you see in him, Erickha? He’s a bully! A no-good hoodlum!”

  “You wouldn’t understand. Just don’t tell!”

  “What if I do? I’m not afraid of you.”

  Peach Fuzz moves in, spits on the ground, and says, “Maybee yer afraid a me.”

  Good call. I am afraid of him.

  “This is between Marty and me,” Errika says.

  “Don’t wurry,” Peach Fuzz tells her. “I no how ta handle deese situationz.”

  He grabs my right index finger.

  “I hear ya like ta draw, Weddy. Be a shame if sumthin happined ta yer drawin’ hand.”

  “Let him go, Salvador,” Erikca says.

  “He needz ta be tawt a lessun,” snarls Peach Fuzz.

  “I SAID let him go.”

  “Yeah, let me go.” It’s not often I agree with my sister.

  But Peach Fuzz doesn’t let go of my finger. He starts twisting it.

  Then he does let go. Not by choice, but because my sister kicked him where no guy wants to be kicked. Peach Fuzz collapses like a sack of peaches. I told you my sister’s a very good soccer player.

  Erica looks at my finger. I tell her it’s fine, but it kind of hurts. We walk home, leaving Peach Fuzz moaning on the sidewalk.

  Erica promises not to say anything about me sneaking out of the house.

  “And I promise not to say anything about your boyfriend,” I mumble.

  “I no longer have a boyfriend,” she says, and spits on the ground.

  CHAPTER 36

  bad finger

  “What’s wrong with your finger?” My mom is back from her business trip and can tell something isn’t right with my hand.

  She’s like a detective.

  Erica looks like she wants to say something, so I blurt out, “I sprained it getting a fly out of my nose.” I wish I’d thought of something cooler.

  “I’m taking you to the emergency room, Marty.”

  My mom calls ahead to make sure they’re ready for me.

  Sitting in the waiting room, I peek at the magazines around me. They’re the same ones from last time.

  I can tell.

  I look around for some fresh publications and notice someone sitting across the room.

  Analie! She’s sitting alone, and I suddenly feel embarrassed to be with my mom. I decide I need a magazine from that side of the room. I walk near her and glance at what she’s reading. It’s a version of People magazine I’ve never seen before.

  Must be new.

  I gather all my courage and say, “Hi. We hardly know each other, but I think you’re interesting. Want to hang out sometime?”

  At least that’s how it sounded inside my head. Once it reached my mouth it sounded more like, “Enin rebmun.”

  Analie looks blankly at me and says, “Greetings.”

  I try again. “What a lovely voice you have. Do you sing? You should sing. Would you like to come to my house and listen to music sometime?”

  But all my mouth could manage was, “Walla walla.”

  I hear the nurse call, “PANTS. MARTY PANTS.” Too bad. The conversation was going so well. I wave to Analie, but she just stares back and writes in her notebook.

  Before the doctor can examine my finger, she has to unwrap the bandages my mom put there.

  The doctor puts the stethoscope on my chest and listens to my heart. I’m not sure what any of this has to do with my finger. Then she puts the stethoscope on my back. Who has a heart in their back? It slowly dawns on me what’s going on. She’s making sure my heart is located where a human heart is supposed to be. She’s on the lookout for aliens just like I am! I give her a thumbs up.

  She tapes a splint to my finger.

  CHAPTER 37

  the contest

  The splint keeps my finger from bending, so I have trouble tying my shoes. I also have to write with my left hand. Worst of all, it hurts to draw!

  At school, Parker seems interested in my splint. Roongrat says, “Did you know the Surgeon General is developing full-body splints?”

  But the big news is that today is Monday! The mural drawings will be displayed for everyone to vote on!

  My “Save the Planet” idea has to get the most votes, for the sake of mankind. I cross my fingers. Ouch. Bad idea. The splint.

  Everyone is gathered around the display wall.

  There are students and teachers and even some parents.

  “I can’t wait to see what Simon drew,” Roongrat says.

  People are voting, and Ms. Ortiz is collecting the ballots. I push my way to the display wall. Simon’s contribution is easy to spot.

  “Awesome!” says Roongrat. “Simon did it again!”

  Yes, he did it again, all right.

  I look at the rest of the competition. All amateurs. Carlos drew a superhero, Lynn drew flowers, Nikki drew a race car, Jen drew a turtle, Stephen drew . . . hey, wait! Where’s mine? My “Save the Planet” drawing isn’t even up there!

  There’s only one explanation. McPhee! He was supposed to submit it and didn’t! On purpose. Why? Because he’s an alien and doesn’t want to save the world! Why did I give it to him?!

  Roongrat says, “Marty, I found your drawing.”

  Whew, it’s up there after all. How did I miss it? I follow Roongrat’s finger to see where he’s pointing.

  Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That’s the random scribble I handed to Ms. Ortiz! She thought I was submitting it for the contest!

  Simon slaps me on the back. “Wow, Marty! I’m waaaay better than you. Ha, ha!”

  My stomach feels awful.

  Doubly awful.

  CHAPTER 38

  pop goes the world

  A
t the end of the day, Ms. Ortiz announces Simon won the mural contest. In a landslide, no doubt. Simon does his insufferable victory dance. The extra-long version.

  I get looks of pity. Simon gets high fives. But not from me.

  I remain in a daze all the way home.

  I notice a bag of balloons on the kitchen counter. I blow one up and draw on it with a marker.

  Then I grab a pin from my mom’s sewing kit.

  I repeat the process.

  Jerome seems happy to help.

  Simon beat me. It stings, but that’s not the worst part.

  I have one balloon left, and draw something else on it.

  My grand plan failed. If I don’t act quickly . . .

  CHAPTER 39

  too much coffee, man

  Erica comes home with a super grande mocha cappuccino latte coffee double espresso swirl. With whipped cream. I want it. She says no. I make a sad face and show her my splint.

  Guilt is a powerful tool.

  I’m not usually a coffee drinker, but I heard it can perk you up. I could use that right about now because I’m very perked down. I need a way to defeat my alien teacher and I’m counting on this coffee to inspire me.

  I drink half.

  It works! I get a stupendous idea!

  To pull it off, I’ll need a quick influx of cash.

  I peek into Erica’s room, put on my sad face, and show her my splint again. “I sure wish I had some money.”

  “Don’t push it,” she says, and kicks her door closed.

  On to Plan F.